Early Warning Signs

How do you know if the man you are dating will later become physically abusive? Women in the Family Violence Project have identified the following "early warning signs", behaviours that are typical of men who later become physically abusive. A man who becomes abusive may not have all of these characteristics, but is likely to demonstrate some of them.

The man who becomes physically abusive:

has low self-esteem
uses put downs, verbal/emotional abuse
blames you and others, hardly ever himself
does not take responsibility for his actions
may have a short temper, can be explosive
has a lack of empathy for others, is centred on himself
may appear tough and aggressive OR passive
has difficulty being appropriately assertive
may be overprotective to the point of being controlling
is possessive, very jealous, may even be jealous of the time you spend with your family and friends
may be obsessed with you, needy, clinging; he thinks he has to be a part of everything you do
often doesn't want you to go anywhere without him
doesn't communicate well about his feelings (except anger)

Uses controlling behaviour:

frequently tells you what to do or not do, where to go or not go
tells you who your friends "should" or "shouldn't" be
tells you what clothes to wear, how to wear your hair/make-up
tells you how to act in various situations
tells you how long your phone calls should be and who to talk to or not talk to
wants you to account for where you've been
phones you at work to make sure you're there
tells you what time to come home
doesn't announce he is coming to visit, just arrives
makes the major decisions
is manipulative

May invade your privacy by:

going through your purse
listening to your phone calls
opening your mail
going through your diary
wanting to know your conversations word for word
following you when you leave the room even though you want to be left alone
asking friends and family about what you do

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Victoria Family Violence Prevention Society
info@familyviolence.ca